The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”