The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“i am a sweet baby”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
why am I working on Labor Day
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%