@Clanopath

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

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@Laser_Cat

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@Robert_Beau

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

@secondofhername

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@WilliamAder

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

@dadmann_walking

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@reallifemommy3

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@DeanB15

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.