The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.


You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?


I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.


If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry


They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.


my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.


Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.


3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix


Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???


Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.