The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’