The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
For the orator and chef in all of us
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.