Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

I’m not stressed

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

it’s finally my moment to shine

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit