The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
You Might Also Like
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Meow
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️