@wickedblondeone

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

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@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

@gregreckons

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

@QwertyJones3

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

@Parkerlawyer

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

@Marlebean

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

@Tommytoughstuff

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me