The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.