@fillthevacuum Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
@wickedblondeone The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
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@fillthevacuum 
@jjhartinger War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
@AaronFullerton Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
@gregreckons I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
@QwertyJones3 WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
@Parkerlawyer My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
@Marlebean Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
@Tommytoughstuff PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
@flashember when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
@AbrasiveGhost ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me