The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

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Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.


Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”


I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.


WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.


My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.


Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)


PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.


when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap


ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me