The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Bobby pin
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.