The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what