The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.