‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Don’t forget to tip your server
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”