The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
This is so me 😂😂
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!