@JohnLyonTweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

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@Reverend_Scott

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@ItsAndyRyan

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

@GregHenchman

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@Spaziotwat

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.