The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again