*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.