The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.