The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?