The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The chart results are in…
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Optional boss fight.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
This classic never gets old . . .
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
New favorite tiktok
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist