The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
You Might Also Like
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.