The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
when nothing goes right… go left
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.