The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My dog ate my work from home.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Oceanography is all about current events
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.