The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.


“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.


Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme


my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it


I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.