The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
need a new bf mines broken 😐
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
can’t catch a break
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area