The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Current mood: Potato
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.