The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

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Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”


Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?


A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe


Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.


Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.


Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome


85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon


There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.