@JasonNotEvil Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
@ginnyhogan_ The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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@JasonNotEvil 
@Elizasoul80 [trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
@darksidedeb Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
@MomOnFire [etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
@mattZillaaaa Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
@iamkevinito Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
@Fred_Delicious Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
@stats_canada 85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
@Darlainky There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.