The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
How to woo a woman
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas