The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*


Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*


I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.


Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!


Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!


You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.


[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good


Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.


Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight