The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”