The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…