the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Siri, fight Alexa.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”