The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.