The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
You Might Also Like
scrabbled eggs
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
B
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.