The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.