The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They鈥檙e very good ninjas.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
when my therapist asks how i鈥檝e been the last two weeks
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
What鈥檚 with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.馃憤馃構馃槂
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don鈥檛 fall for their trap. don鈥檛 be a mop.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that鈥檚 so weird i鈥檒l resend it now