The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.