The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.
I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.
I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.
I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.
I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
God: I need one more rib please
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Not all heroes wear capes.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
her: that’s was really nice
my mom: you’re welcome
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
me: would you like beans?
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.