The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me trying to walk in a dream
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.