Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Not all heroes wear capes.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.