the prophecies have been fulfilled
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
termite twitter scares me
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.