The prophecy is fulfilled
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
me adding lol on a serious message
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.