The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
i’m sure it’s fine
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?