The Punning Dead.
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”