the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
my first day as a raccoon
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Breaking news:
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.