the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My first child will be named New Folder.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol