The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
the #horror is real!
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are