The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants