The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Every work call, he judges.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”