The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You Might Also Like
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
(Musicians.)
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.