“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
man: wait
time: no
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Lol.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.