The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.