The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Who knew!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: