The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You Might Also Like
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
2022 be like