The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
You Might Also Like
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me 2 months after i graduated
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
An odd boast
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands