The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)