The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good